Running in Thongs (Flip-Flops) – My Struggle with Depression
Living life with depression in my own words, “sucks arse”. I do generally try to keep my language clean, but I have no other way to really describe the condition. Certainly not in my case at least. Today is the third day in a row that I have been away from work due to depression.
While I have always attempted to be as open as possible with my managers (given the impact the condition has on them), I have found it much more difficult to be open about things with my peers and people who work for me. Well today, I just chose to tell it how it was, and I honestly think that was the best thing to do. That does, however, mean I need to be this open with everyone so I am not putting others in a difficult situation of knowing something about me that is not widely known.
I liken my ongoing battle with depression akin to running in “thongs” (for non Aussies you would know them as flip-flops, a piece of footwear that does take some effort to move quickly in). I emphasize that this is an analogy that helps explain my situation, but depression is such a varied condition that it will be completely inadequate to describe the way it affects someone else.
Like running in thongs? How so?
Well I’m a pretty ambitious guy. Not ambitious in a desire for power or money, but absolutely ambitious with regards to a desire for rich and meaningful knowledge and life experience. As a result I’ve had a very rewarding professional, personal and spiritual life – I’m a respected manager and peer at work, a loved husband and father (for which I’m grateful – @SquiggleMum and the kids) and a committed Christian since I was a teenager.
I reckon with my level of ambition, I spend most of my waking hours mentally and emotionally running. Add inappropriate footwear (depression) into the mix, and well, I’m going to stumble; or get very tired feet. In certain situations, such as high-pressure or high-expectation life situations it is more like running in thongs on sand, or up an escalator. It’s more demanding on the individual and also more likely to result in damage. I can point you in the direction of a couple of youtube videos that illustrate the point nicely, but also ruin my attempt at a serious blog post. What can I say, it’s a gift.
My History
I was first officially diagnosed with depression about eight years ago, when my wife became increasingly concerned with my mental state and we began seeing an excellent psychologist. That day feels like a long time ago now, and from that time I have been medicated for the condition with varying levels of success. How long have I actually had depression? Did it start eight years ago? No, probably not. When I reflect back on my life I recall feeling desperately low prior to that time. I can certainly recall periods back when I was a teenager when it all just seemed too hard, but then I think it probably did for everyone.
I’m sure some will want to know whether I have ever been suicidal. I guess the short answer is: “I’ve never attempted to end my own life”. Have I wished that I could just get off the merry-go-round or sit on the sideline for a little while – absolutely. Have I caused myself physical pain on occasion? Actually yes. Not for a long time, and it’s horribly stupid but yes – at the time it seems like one of the only ways to bring everything into equilibrium. You are mentally and emotionally hurting, but physically you are fine. It just seems so wrong and hard to process, and thus you give yourself something easier to digest.
Medication and Treatment
When I was first diagnosed with depression, I felt certain that medication would be required and wasn’t sure how this would affect my life. It was required and didn’t really destroy my ability to interact and operate with other people in a fairly normal manner. Has it been effective at treating the condition? Yes and no, primarily in the the last 5-6 years it probably has been.
I did have to accept what the purpose of the medication was before it really started to do its job though. 5 years ago, I started going to see a psychiatrist in addition to a psychologist. At the time I though this was completely over the top. Best thing I ever did though. The thing I really appreciated was his straight-forwardness. Basically, I didn’t fall into any of the nicely labelable and treatable forms of depression. Was I bipolar? I had some of the signs, but not to the extent for that particular label to apply. So what was a suitable treatment then? Before that time, I had tried about three different types of meds which I wouldn’t consider very effective.
Solution? For my situation, take less potent medication (basically a mood stabilizer) and start taking some serious responsibility for my own mental condition. In my case, medication was only part of the solution and I had to take some responsibility for taking care of the “stinking thinking” that I get caught up in; such as, worrying about situations that I have no control over of, etc, etc. Easier said than done, definitely, but absolutely critical in managing a depressive illness. Something I’ll probably be doing for the rest of my life.
Wrapping Up and my Sincere Thanks
There is a lot more that I could talk about with regards to this, but I would stress I am no expert. Just a guy who’s been living with the condition for quite some time. The way we each as individuals deal with the situation will vary greatly, both as people who carry the condition and those who live, love and work with others who carry it. People struggling with depression aren’t alien, and thankfully we live in an age where less of a stigma is attached to the disease. That still doesn’t make it easy to talk about it. Certainly not for me, and there will be those of you reading this that will be thinking – man, I never knew that about Damon. Well I guess you do now – but try not to treat me any different, cut me slack or offer sympathy or condolences. In my situation, that’s not something I desire or that is helpful. Just remember that I’m running this race called life in a pair of thongs and I occasionally get tired feet or trip up. One day, maybe I’ll get myself a nice pair of running shoes or learn how to take it a little easier and walk a little; but I suspect not.
To those who have known about this and supported me in the past, you have my heartfelt thanks. I have been truly blessed with great people around me that have made my life up until this point very rewarding. I’ve been given opportunities to progress at work, with people being aware of my condition and willing to take some of that risk on based on their belief in me. My wife has been very patient and understanding over the years, and even my kids are starting to understand that Daddy needs some space now and then. My wider friends and family that know have acted in the way I have wanted them to, and haven’t treated me any different post me “coming clean with them”.
My thanks also go to people in the online world who are brave enough to be transparent with their situations. Without your bold contributions, it is unlikely I would have posted anything here today.
As I mentioned previously, more than happy to talk to anyone about my experience of depression and answer questions both here on the blog, via email or face-to-face where possible.
[...] he is bravely sharing his story on his blog at Distractable and I’m so proud of him for writing about it. He likens his ongoing struggles with [...]
More than anyone else, I know how hard this was for you to write. I’m so proud to be your wife.
How incredibly brave you are, Damon, to share with such honesty and to face life with depression each day. I have seen two men I respected lose their battles with depression in the last two years, both hid their condition, whilst I know we couldn’t have taken their burdens from them, I am wishing they had shared so that their friends and families could have the opportunity to help carry their heavy loads and be watchful for them. Keep fighting the good fight each day and hold tight to that wonderful woman by your side and your two gorgeous children.
Damon – thanks so much for sharing your story. Depression is almost an epidemic these days but it’s not often that men talk openly about their struggle with it even though it’s so common amongst men as well as women. Now that you’ve shared your story, there will be someone out there you’ve helped.
COngrats on opening up and evaluating your feelings and verbalsing your thoughts, it must be very hard. No one ever said life was going to be a bed of roses, these trying days test the very best of us, so keep going on your journey, never give up, and when your thong breaks, I’ll buy you a brand new pair. What colour would you like?
Thanks for the comments all. I certainly understand people (especially guys) in general not really wanting to talk about depression as a topic. To be honest I probably wouldn’t have written to such a broad audience if it hadn’t gotten to a point where it was getting hard to keep track of who knew, who didn’t, etc.
I guess I would definitely encourage people to be as open as they can be with their own situations. My personal opinion is that people aren’t built to keep things hidden. We are trained to though and part of managing depression as a condition involves some “un-training”. Also in my own experience I have found people to be very supportive when I have been open with them about it – I haven’t yet spoken to anyone that views it as the weakness in myself that I do.
Every individuals management strategy will be different though. Key thing for me was a great support network and reminding myself that there are always options and doors that will open in life; even if they aren’t visible at a particular time. I guess a key point I would make is that “sucking it up” never opened a single door, only a conversation with my wife, a trusted friend or my boss at work…
Damon – what a brave man! Good for you for getting it out there. This must’ve been a difficult thing to do. I hope that it helps :O)
As someone who also has a chronic condition (although it’s not depression & I cannot totally understand your perspective, but I can try), I think you are so brave for putting this out there. Not only for being able to talk about your personal situation, but to hopefully open the doors for others to do the same and to know that you are not alone.
Having had my condition for 7 years, I know how hard these things can be to discuss. For many years I have worked so hard to hide my condition and am now coming to the conclusion that, for me, it’s best to do a bit more sharing. Know when to say that “you know what? I’m struggling, and I need some help” (& to actually do it). Whether that help be emotional, physical, to just be with someone to be with & not talk about it, or just a plain old hug.
You are much loved, and a valued member of society. I look forward to hearing about your new runners.
Very brave of you. It is not an easy thing. You are right, we would never have guessed. Im glad you are getting help. I know you are surrounded by a supportive family. You are very lucky.
Damon, as others have said before me, I think it is fantastic that you have shared your story. I can’t imagine it was easy to do, but I am sure that it will help others out there who may not have yet to comes to terms with their condition. I hope that you are back up and running soon.
I guess I’m the last person you’d expect to write to you here but I am so very proud of you for publicly admitting your depression. I have suffered with depression for about 10 years and know exactly what you are going through. Although, some symptoms differ, ultimately it is the same condition that brings us to our knees. If it wasn’t for my family, the computur, my sewing (in that order) I don’t think I would be coping as well as I am. I have come to times when I’d think that all was fixed and that I didn’t need my meds anymore. I tried to go off them and fell in a screaming heap. I now know that I need the medication to help me make sense of what is going on around me. Don’t worry about the things that can’t be changed. Just look to the future and be the best person you can be.
As a fellow sufferer, I have some idea how hard this would have been to write. As you very rightly point out, depression affects everyone differently, so I’ll never know exactly how it is for you. I found that the less I had to keep track of who knew what, the better I was able to focus on the techniques to get out of the horribleness. Hopefully you’ll find the same thing after writing this.
I absolutely love the analogy, by the way. It’s one of the better ones I’ve ever heard.
Damon,
I called my Husband away from the Tennis to read your BLOG! Mad on my part, but it is a journey he has been on for some time. And like you, he’s a strong Christian Guy with a loving family and a MOPS mad wife! Need I say more…. Anyway, thank you for sharing so openly. You have helped more people by being honest than you will ever really know. And No they won’t all comment here…
I like the concept of running in thongs… great word picture.
Hang in there mate. My Husband and I think you ROCK!
Thanks GBY!
Contrary to what your “stinking” head tells you, we think you’re pretty great. The way you deal with those things you perceive as weaknesses shows how strong you truly are in your perseverance and faith – traits I’ve always admired in you. You’ve shown a huge amount of courage in sharing your testimony in this forum. Well done, big bro…we’re proud of you!
I have to say that I really love the analogy of the thongs. That makes so much sense! I too would love a pair of runners but I suspect that God wants me to learn to take things a little slower – perhaps that’s why I’ve been decked out in a pair of thongs???
Anyway, thanks for sharing. I too am a christian who struggles with depression. And I do “struggle” with it, against it etc etc although life seems to go more smoothly when I listen more carefully to my body and go at the pace it requires (I’ll admit I do more struggling than listening – I’m a slow learner).
Interestingly enough, my GP had a really hard time diagnosing me as I didn’t quite “fit” the checklist. I always wondered if the difference was my spiritual side. Times of deep despair yes, but never a complete sense of hopelessness.
[...] – thanks everyone for your emails and your comments both on my blog and on my husband Damon’s following yesterday’s post on depression. We are grateful for your support. Cath xx [...]
What a fabulous post! I know a few Mum’s who’s partners battle depression so I have tweeted this post in the hope they find it!
Hi Damon, thank you so much for sharing. I was diagnosed with depression 11 years ago so a lot of what you wrote was very familiar to me. I have seen a lot of stuff in magazines and on the net about depression, but very rarely is it from a man’s point of view. Yet we know that men do get it!!! So congratulations and thank you for sharing your journey, I will be recommending this blog post to others.
I too,suffer from depression.
Well done for putting it out there.
Thank you for being so brave to share your story Damon.
It particularly resonates with me right now as I can recognise a lot of what you have described in my husband over the five or so years. He has just recently been diagnosed with a mild form of depression and has started taking medication. We have good and bad days just like you and Cath do.
Thanks again.
Thanks Damon for sharing and for being so honest and open. I had my first bout of severe depression 12 years ago which lasted more than a year and included psychosis. I tried many medications which never helped at the time. However talking regularly with a psychologist did help and so did daily walking. At the time I didn’t want to live anymore, it was too painful.
I have been fortunate to have not suffered depression since until recently. I often say to my husband that it’s like being on a merry-go-round and I just want to get off. I am currently re-reading the book ‘Beating the Blues’ by Susan Tanner and Jullian Ball, have you read it? I found it helped alot in challenging my thinking (cognitive therapy). I am determined this time to nip it in the bud before it gets too bad, I have a 2 and a half year old child to be around for and be a positive role model to.
‘Hooray’ to our loved ones who are with us through thick and thin.
Hey All,
Thanks again for the positive comments and your openness with regards to your own or your family situations.
@Lisa – thanks for the tip regarding the book. I have picked up Feeling Good by David D. Burns, but I’m a bit of a serial “book purchaser but never reader”. Pretty solid little book, and what I have read so far is good, so I do need to try and get back to it.
Damon.